He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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