Say something about gay babies.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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