trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
