Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
