dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
