also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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