I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
