Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
