she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
