I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
