In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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