just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
