What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
