i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
