Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
