I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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