we have officially mastered the walk of shame
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
I'm really busy with my period
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