Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
whose parrot is this?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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