dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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