It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
