Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
