I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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