I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
