just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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