So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
