you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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