I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
