I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
