i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
