i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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