I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
