walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
