my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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