At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
