I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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