you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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