we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
