Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
