Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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