god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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