Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
