omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
