I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
