I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
