She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
