she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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