i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
