I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
