So drunk, too bad you don't want this
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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