I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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