Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
How naked do you want me to be?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
