I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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