I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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