the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
